ANTHEMS

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Friends, I am here today to talk about anthems! These rousing and uplifting songs are what get us through hard times. So we crank the volume and sing straight from our soul about strength, courage, and the ability to get back up from the ground, start new and become even better than we were before.  

The songs that make us want to let our hair down and dance like wild animals or shout primordial sounds. The songs that bring tears to our eyes because we know that we have what it takes to do hard things. The pieces that so eloquently put into words our pains and struggles, triumphs and victories, and desire for a better way of life.  

Whitney Houston’s ‘I’m every woman,’ TLC, ‘No scrubs’, and Emmy Meli’s ‘I am woman .’These are some of the anthems that have pulled me through some hard shit. I am currently loving ‘I am woman’ and am adding a link at the bottom.  

Full Transparency: I hated this song by Emmy Meli when I first heard it. I was in a yoga class, and it came on during the cool-down. It was hella projecting, and any men in the class probably felt uncomfortable. I even thought, how dare they play this song in a yoga class? I was very judgy and in a much different place in life.

Today, I heard the song again, with new ears, and I fell utterly in love with the words and the message behind them. It makes me feel strong, sexy and empowered in a whole new way. I instantly added it to my favorites, put it on repeat, and sang my soul out. Some of the lyrics are below.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I am woman, I am fearless

 I am sexy, I’m divine

 I’m unbeatable, I’m creative

 Honey, you can get in line

 I am feminine, I am masculine

 I am anything I want

 I can teach you, I can love you

 If you got it going on

I’m classy, I’m modern, I live by my own design

I’m cherry, I’m lemon, I’m the sweetest key lime pie

I’m electric, I’m bass, I’m the beat of my own drum

I could make your goosebumps raise

With the tracing of my thumb

Only love can get inside me

 I move in my own timing

 Voice of the future speak to me kindly

 I feel what I want and somehow it finds me

_____________________________________________________________________________

I reached out to the instructor who played the song and told them thank you. 

I did not love it then. Now, I am ridiculously in love with it. This song gets to my core, and I am so grateful for Emmy and her talent. Check out her story on this song and how it became an overnight TikTok sensation. And it was only the hook. She still needed to write the rest of the song!  

Please give it a listen and see how you feel. I would love to hear from you! What anthems have kept you going or got you through hard times? You can add a link in the comments or write the name. 

Share the strength and remember, you are loved!

There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling. 

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone.  

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!! 

I FAKED IT

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I want to sign up for tinder or some online dating and start filling my time swiping and sending messages.  First, I would get validation and have my ego stroked.  Then I would spend time planning and obsessing, shaming, and criticizing myself when they didn’t show up or call, and I would move on to the next one that was a match—trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom without ever patching the hole.  Filling and filling and wondering why I still feel empty.

I want to do this only because it is my first thought.  Remember, FIRST THOUGHT WRONG.  My first thought is how I have thought my whole life; it is my “go-to” stuff.  It is what my brain knows.  My brain knows co-dependency and running away from self.

Now that I have been gifted the awareness, these are things that I am working consciously towards shifting.

The first thought is all wrong.

The second thought gets a little better.

Second thought, No.  I do not want those things.  I want to do the things that I want to do: going to meetings, doing yoga, going to the gym, and writing.  So how do I get this stuff done?  I FAKE IT.  You know, fake it til you make it?  This is like that, but healthily—fake doing the next right thing in healing and recovery.

I am sitting in my car and do not want to go to yoga.  I can quickly drive home and be warm in my cozy room with my kitties.

It is dark and freezing, and who do I have to answer to anyhow?  I answer to myself, my Higher Self.  And even though no one will criticize me for not doing this class, I will know that I am not changing anything.  I am staying in my old ways of thinking and being, and I need to step out of my car and do the next right thing.  Fake it.

After yoga, I plan to attend a meeting and then go home to rest and reset.  This new lifestyle is different, and I am willing to fake it until I am in a better place mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

We can do hard things and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

YOU GOT THIS!

There is so much love for you here!  Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

RIP BLACKJACK

What is Compound Grief? Compound grief is when you have more than one loss at a time, and grief is compounded or stacked. When a person suffers more than one loss, grief can be complicated and remain unresolved, too much for one to cope with.

My sister in Florida texted me and said Blackjack was not behaving well, he was becoming aggressive toward the other animals, and I had to crate him. My first instinct was something was wrong and he was probably in pain. That behavior is out of character for our lazy, loyal pup.

A few days pass, and things seem ok, but he is getting bloated and not back to normal. So yesterday, My sister, Lisa, took him to the emergency vet an hour and a half from her house.

The vet immediately took him in the back and assessed the situation. He was in bad shape. They did all the tests they could and drained five liters of fluid from his belly. The next option was more testing and an overnight stay at the vet, which would likely end up in bad news.

My sister was troubled. She only got Blackjack from me less than a month ago and was falling for his sweet demeanor and loving character. 

But, he was nearly 14 years old and had Lymes disease and other ailments we managed over the years.

At 8:15 pm, we decided to euthanize Blackjack while he was comfortable and stable. Lisa was with him the entire time, more than I could have asked from anyone. She is such a great sister, and she handled it like a champ while I sat home, a thousand miles away, and focused on my breath.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. That is all I could do to keep from falling apart.  

Inhale, and hold space for the transition. Exhale, be calm for Blackjack. Inhale, tears creep up. Exhale, and smile because it happened.

I used the techniques I learned in SARA Animal Reiki to create a healing bridge for him to cross over peacefully and with love. 

I was holding myself together energetically for him, knowing he could feel if I was ok.

9:15 pm “He is gone.”

I lay down in my bed, feeling like the soul has been sucked out of me by dementors, not one drop left in me for the day, and pick up the phone.

I call someone in my network and talk it out. They reassured me that, after all I have recently endured, it is precisely how I should be feeling and that I should go to bed. I laughed because I knew they were right. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

As this new grief washes over me, I decide the best thing is to continue business as usual. So I picked out an outfit and prepared for Monday because I show up. 

I show up tomorrow, which means I continue to put one foot in front of the other, even if my legs are weary and my knees are weak. Showing up means throwing this on my pile of compounding grief and trying to sort it out sober.

What I want to do is eat. Eat sugar and comfort foods to drown my sorrows. But, alas, I know it will only make me feel worse in the long run. So, I fake it. I pretend it is ok because I know it will be one day. I pull myself out of bed and go to work because what is the alternative? Stay home and wallow in sadness and pity? That is what kept me drunk.

Each day I have a choice to do things differently than I have my entire life. Today I choose to acknowledge the loss of my beloved pet and know there will be a day of reckoning.

Thank God for my Higher Power, which I call God/Universe, for my recovery program, and for the gift of this next inhale, which many of us will not receive.

There is so much love for you here. Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend.

Christy-Lee D.

A LONE THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving has always been a holiday filled with people, food, and a certain level of chaos.  Every year until my mom passed away, we had a big family gathering for dinner.  I say big, but it was me, my three sisters, and my parents, who were, in actuality, my mom, two aunts, and grandparents.  Stay with me.  So, we had these great, warm, and loving holidays, and I have many beautiful memories associated with those days.

After my mom passed away and we all moved away from home, we started attending a close friend’s house for Thanksgiving.  First, it would be Harley and me, then, at some point in the day, I would get Ronan, and we would all spend time together.  This filled the hole of being far away from my blood family, and we did this until I married in 2017. 

We then started sharing holidays at my partner’s house, where I fell in love with his family.  By way of step-families, these people were terrific.  They welcomed my two children and me into the family openly and made no comments or concerns that I was older than his oldest sister or that I am an alcoholic.

They were nothing but loving, supporting, and accepting.  I immensely enjoyed the times I spent with his family on holidays and beach vacations.

When we have lost loved ones, there is a sense of fear that it will happen again.  I loved my partner’s family, yet I never got too close.  I kept them all at arm’s reach, not wanting to feel the pain if they were to leave.

Thanksgiving 2022.  I am in an entirely different space and surrounded by no one.  I ate french bread pizza for dinner and took a nap.  I cried and meditated, honoring whatever came up for me.  I could have gone to dinner with some friends; however, I am peeling back the layers of my codependency.  I was with people all previous Thanksgiving holidays, and I have been like that most of my life.  This year I wanted to be with me.  I wanted to be with the memories, the smiles, and the tears.  And when I felt sad, I remembered a saying from Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened.” So I smile and wipe the tears from my face. I take a deep breath, and continue putting on my sock, grocery shopping, or whatever.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

This year is a lone Thanksgiving, as there will never be another one like it.  Next year I will have had some time to heal and won’t be so raw, but this year, I am a bleeding heart trying to take time and space to look inside and find the love for myself that I think I need or want from someone else.  I am complete, and there is no separation.  I sit in discomfort and breathe, as I do when I practice yoga, and I don’t pick up a drink as I practice in my recovery program.  I can do hard things, even if that hard thing is sitting alone in silence on Thanksgiving and eating French bread pizza.

There is so much love for you here!  Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

That’s cold

Bethany Beach Boardwalk

The familiar: Pitta dosha, fire, passionate, quick to anger, masculine, yang
The unfamiliar: Vata dosha, air, space, light, cool, moon, feminine, yin

I can identify quickly with the familiar, and when asked, I would willingly admit my need for balance. Awareness changes everything. Once you become aware, you cannot go back and become unaware, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself.

The Universe gives us exactly what we ask for in a way that may not be considered ideal to us as individuals. I loved going to work at the warm yoga studio, where I would dance around with the music blasting before each of the ten classes I taught each week, moving some energy and getting my blood pumping. I was constantly damp from residual sweat, and it was glorious.

I love the heat and the high energy, yet I knew(mentally) and could feel(physically) that I was imbalanced. So I wondered, but not for too long when my battery might run low, and I would need to go into power-saving mode.

For eighteen months straight, I operated this way, thriving in my business and personal life, yet I could feel the strong pull(spiritual) towards something new. The feelings(emotional) drew me towards the cool moon and ocean waves.

Cue life getting lifey -or- Life on life’s terms.

Things were too familiar for too long, and today things are the opposite.
To preface, I hate being cold(physical). I start to shiver, and then I feel the cold in my stomach. My stomach gets tight. Then I feel nauseated. It is a hot mess.

I am passionate, compulsive, and quick to anger(emotional). I hardly ever stop moving and love spicy food(physical). I have difficulty quieting my mind or sitting in meditation(spiritual).

So, I am ENTIRELY UNFAMILIAR with this other side of my being. The feminine, yin, moon, cooling, calm energy needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow, as uncomfortable as it will be.
Every person, place, thing, situation, relationship, yoga pose, bank account, etc., needs balance.

By “ God doing for me what I would not, could not do for myself,” I sit in the freezer.

I am now working at a desk, with no dancing beforehand, no physical activity, and it is freezing cold! I feel like I am frozen to the core. Or, as I will never be warm again when I laugh and think, I asked for this. I asked to be cooled off and balanced, so I moved to the ocean, three miles from the boardwalk.

A boardwalk in Winter can be an ominous sight. If you have SAD(seasonal affective disorder), be mindful. It has an eerie and sad undertone, like, an abandoned theme park. Here is a place that knows how to be on fire yet sits completely deserted and cold.

So, the same goes for me. I know how to be on fire, yet here I sit, deserted and cold. Frozen in stillness at my desk. (It’s not as sad as it sounds; I have a blanket) A physical reminder that I need to slow down, rest, and recover.

It is like the ice bucket challenge from a couple of years ago. I just had a whole trough of ice dumped on all four of my bodies(physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), and now I am learning to gently navigate this new and unchartered territory.

It is uncomfortable, and I do not like it. I do not like green eggs and ham; I do not like it. However, I know it is a necessary phase of my development. If I am painstaking about this phase of my development, I will be surprised before I am halfway through, and I will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

If you have any tips for staying warm and healthy(mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically) at a full-time desk job in the Artic, I would love to hear from you.

There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.
We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone.

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

resentments

For the last few months, I have awoken with a familiar thought, resentment. Resentment that my partner and I were no longer intimate in any form, I longed for connection. As soon as my thinking brain would awake, it was on. Resentment can take me to a bad place quickly, and many mornings I would not be able to fall back asleep or change my thoughts. Instead, I would cry and think to myself. This is it. This is your life.

The resentment came from expectation. Expectations are resentments in training, and for me, this resentment was trained and ready to be promoted to Boss. This feeling occurred four out of seven mornings, and as the resentment grew, so did my despair and insecurities. I followed the words of my guides and prayed for my partner and our relationship, but it was empty. I did not mean what I said when praying for them to be happy; it was not changing anything inside me. I was still hurt and angry.

My last post describes what happened and where I am now. So many things have changed, but one thing has not. The resentment has taken a new form. It now comes in the form of shattered dreams, a lost future together, and the security of a long-term partnership. I resent how I woke up in a rented room when I was once the matriarch of a beautiful three-level home. Anger about how I had to re-home half of my beloved pets and the loss of self-confidence and independence I had in the eight years I was single before falling again. Resentment that I was “forced” to leave them.

I have resentment and a broken heart. Praying for them was not working, so I told my sponsor. They said, pray for the resentment, “ God, forgive me for my resentment.” Holy shit!
What a concept. I was getting nowhere, praying for them to be better. I needed to pray for me to be better. I now use this prayer many times a day as I notice where this series of events has left me wounded and slightly jaded.

“God, forgive me for my resentment.”

It sets me free and gives me the grace I need to recognize I have resentments and that they are a normal part of the human experience. I can ask for forgiveness until time heals the wounds, and I can move on confidently in the direction of my dreams.

First thought wrong.

My first thought this morning was,

“How the hell did this become my life? Resentment, resentment, resentment…..”

Second thought,

“God, forgive me for my resentment.”

As my resentment takes a new form, so does my recovery. Finally, I get to sit through the discomfort and the tears and know I did all this because I am sober. My Higher Power did not drag me out of the ocean and onto the shore for nothing. It is up to me to take the next steps, to crawl, stand, and trudge the road to a happy destiny.

There is love for you here.

You can do hard things.

Fenwick, Delaware

The Instructors voice gently fades in,

“Take a deep breath and remember where you are, Fenwick, Deleware, and think of that thing that makes you feel empowered.”

As I return to my breath and remember that I now sit in Fenwick Deleware, a tear rolls down my cheek. My thumb slides to the base of my left-hand ring finger to straighten out the ring that fell heavily to one side. The ring no longer embraced my finger, and I recalled the moment I most recently felt empowered.

It has been about three months since my last post, and many changes have occurred. 

  • Divorce
  • Empty nest
  • Re-homing most of my pets
  • New job
  • New Address
  • New, old last name
  • New phone number

Two days prior, I sat in a 20-foot U-Haul truck, with two of my kitties next to me, my Kia in tow on a trailer, and drove to a storage unit in Delaware. 

I can do hard things. I kept saying that to myself as I drove in my lane and gripped the steering wheel. I told myself that if I could do this, I could do anything and that I am a self-sufficient person. 

My dad would have been proud of my skills with the trailer and handling the truck. 

I was thankful that he taught me to drive all kinds of vehicles so I would not be intimidated. I was not scared. I took the bull by the horns, looked lovingly into its eyes, and said, “Let’s do this!” The entire move went smoothly, and now, I sit. In Fenwick, Delaware, because I can do hard things.  

I can leave an unfulfilling marriage and take the chance that there is joy outside the security of marriage. I can send my daughter off to her new adult life with the example that we do not have to be doing things we “have to” do. We can break the molds of generations and live with love and passion. 

I can walk away from a prominent role in my loving community and know it is not goodbye. I can have healthy boundaries and jump head-first into fear, knowing it will be ok. I can go through the abovementioned things and not pick up a drink. 

If you were wondering where I have been, I have been in Delaware, healing, recovering, and growing. I am plugging into meetings and yoga, and with those things, I know I will be on my way. 

Plus, a full-time job will change things. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I do know that if it sucks, I am willing to change it. I am open to just about anything at this point. Unfortunately, I can’t grasp my life’s plan the way I gripped onto the U-Haul. So I have to let go completely.

A Faith Freefall is what I call it. I lept, and with blind faith, I knew I would land on my feet. In this case, I landed on my butt in Fenwick, Delaware.

tears on my yoga mat II

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write. Things have been happening so fast. I spent my entire life until now wandering. I wandered from this hobby to that job. I tried and succeeded as well as failed at many, many jobs. I blew opportunities and carelessly spent money on things I thought would bring me closer to peace and joy. I wanted peace and joy so severely that I felt like I needed to keep working and doing to find it.

Faith without works is dead.

I thought that if I kept busy, no one would realize how lost I was and how deeply sad my heart felt. I did not want to be still. I knew that once I sat in the silence of my soul, there would be pain. The deep pain that I drank away for twenty years.
If I stayed busy, I would not have to face myself and make changes. I could continue in my false sense of serenity, smiling and achieving what others achieve while not drunk. I was so good at hiding from myself.

Then Yoga found me.

Yoga means union. Once I started a regular yoga practice, and I mean more than just the asana (movement), all the eight limbs. These limbs, along with my program of recovery, gave me a sense of genuine support and serenity.
I feel held and safe, and that allows me to go deeper. Deeper into the corners of my soul and clear out the mess.

Faith without works is dead.

The work is not what I thought. I cannot task or educate my way to peace and freedom. These gifts come from having a daily spiritual practice. Movement and meditation are ways in which I can “work” to display my faith. I can give myself the gift of sitting in silence and healing the scared teenager that lies within. Through faith, I can lean into fear with a knowing that “All is well.”

I cried in Yoga today.

It has been over a month since I sat to write and practice yoga asana. There is a direct correlation for me between my practice and my self-study. When I do not come to my mat, I do not connect. There is no union. I am scattered, spread too thin, and lacking purpose and direction.

I missed myself—my True self. The self I am getting to know more each day is so beautiful and loving that it makes my chest ache from the amount of grace I feel. This love and grace starts in my heart, radiates from my chest to my entire soul, then through tears of immeasurable gratitude.

It is this feeling that I wish for you. This feeling of self-love and peace that you cry freely, releasing yourself from any guilt, shame, or judgment. Because what is there to judge? Arent we all searching for the same thing?

Take good care, beautiful friend.

I wish you peace, freedom, and union.

I look forward to the next time we are together. Until then, be kind to each other.

With so much love,

Christy-Lee B.

Heal Me, LLC.

DM for Private REIKI

Hold yourself with compassion

ATTA GIRL

Hello Friend!

I missed you a whole bunch! I have had so much going on in the time away, really good and less than good. I spent a week at lovely Hilton Head Island with my Family-in-law. We had a beautiful house, rented bikes, and a three-minute walk from the beach. This family trip was extra special because my partner got to come and enjoy the time with his family as well, compared to their usual deployment.

After two years of hard work, I completed my 500 Yoga Teacher Training with outstanding feedback from my instructors. I was on cloud nine! I even rode for twenty-six miles around the island on the bike. I felt invincible.

The week was perfect, but I was hit with a fever on the drive home. I am pretty healthy all around, so a fever is a slight cause for concern. I did not sleep until we got home nearly ten hours later, then I slept for 12 hours straight. It turns out I had covid.

In the midst of this, I quit one of my jobs. I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am about it emotionally. I would have let myself stay at this job forever. My old ways of being angry, resentful, hostile, vindictive, and drinking the poison while waiting for someone else to die are gone. I don’t want anyone else to feel harmed or less than loved.

So, I detach with love and wish them the most success and growth. I detach with love means I can stand by my healthy boundaries, and when someone accuses me of a character defect, I don’t need to argue or defend myself because I know my truth. I detach with love and know that we are all one in this infinite universe, and my wishing bad for you is like wishing bad for myself, which is just foolishness. I will be honest, I believed I was not good enough for a moment and let fear consume me. But, once I returned to my senses, I recalled that I am too blessed to be stressed.

I say thank you to all the times in my life when I have had to make a hard decision yet intuitively knew that God had me. Thank you to me for standing up for what I know is true.

I was asked, “Why can’t you just be like everyone else?!”

Because I am Christy-Lee B., I am unapologetically me.

So, with all this going on, I have felt uninspired to write. I am writing this not to complain about things but to show you that life gives exams and does favors. God did what I would have never done for myself, which reminded me that I am too big for boxes. So, to those looking for the “Christy-Lee App,” it’s coming soon! Sometimes in life, we are blindsided right in the middle of our comfort zone. It could be illness or loss of a job, life keeps giving us exams, and it is up to us to pass.

We pass by choosing light over dark, love over fear, and sending love to those who have caused us harm. You don’t need to defend yourself when you live in your truth. You can walk away. The favor is the freedom and space to do that.

Old me would have stayed and begged for acceptance, new me says, in the famous words of Dolly and Whitney,

“… I wish you joy and happiness,

but above all this, I wish you LOVE.”

I can see the dust settling now and know I picked the right road, the road less traveled. So keep growing and keep healing. I look forward to chatting with you again soon.

I wish everyone health, wealth, and joy.

I look forward to the next time we are together. Until then, be kind to each other.

With so much love,

Christy-Lee B.

christy-lee@healme.llc

DM for Private YOGA and REIKI

YOU ARE ENOUGH

Hiding From Yourself?

The memory floods my brain as I run out the door at 7:15 am to pet sit, then to my previous desk job to fill in for vacations. “This is what it used to be like every day!”

I went through a period where I was searching for my purpose and talent. Unfortunately, I had no career or education past high school. I spent those early working years being a single mom, drinking, and barely making ends meet. I felt unfulfilled in many ways.

Being the energetic “YES” girl I was, I ensured that every moment of free time I had was filled with some way of making money or being of service.

If you ask people around me, they will tell you that I am always doing something or creating something. Staying busy has its pros and cons. I had a great chance to try many things to see what I might do well at or enjoy. I tied office jobs, odd jobs, bridal boutiques, restaurants, dog walking, etc. I was always willing to take on a job and some extra income. But at what cost?

The multiple jobs and minimal incomes were turning out not to be worth the while.
Staying busy for me had become a crutch to keep me from falling into the depths of my soul. I knew what was down there, and I had avoided all of it. However, I was not ready to sit alone with the child, teen, or adult Christy-Lee.

I had a total of 5 jobs that I regularly did, and none of them seemed to have anything in common. There was not much room for growth, and I needed growth. I started to realize that I was not a caged bird. I need to be free to be creative, kind, loving, and of service.
A “regular” job would not fit my lifestyle.

The thing with being loving, kind, and creative…there is no high-paying job for it (if you have one, let me know!! I am interested). So then I started teaching yoga.

It was not immediate because I had abandonment and inadequacy core fears, so I had to jump through all the mental hoops.

“Am I making a mistake?”
“ Am I letting anyone down?”
“Will they dislike me?’
“Am I abandoning them?”
“What if I cant make money?”
“Am I enough?”
“Do I have faith and trust?”

The thing about fear is that when we lean into the discomfort and walk through our fear, we come out stronger on the other side. I trust my HP will care for me and that I am supposed to follow my passion and purpose of helping others heal through self-love and self-acceptance. I decided to change, and through a recovery and yoga program, I could leave the jobs that no longer served me and not burn a bridge. That is a significant change from the “ I quit this B***H” I gave out before quitting drinking.

As I left to work three jobs today, I was, and still am, grateful. I am grateful for what it used to be like, knowing I could hustle and get things done, for the courage I had to change, for choosing to spend some time with Christy-Lee, and for the wisdom to listen to my intuition.

Today, I still work multiple jobs which flow together for the ultimate goal of wellness and healing.

It is ok to be busy, but ask yourself, what are you hiding from?

I look forward to the next time we are together. Until then, be kind to each other.
With so much love,
Christy-Lee B